pardon our dust

just wanted to share some things i’m struggling with right now:

  • my post-baby body:  i don’t really know why i’m struggling with this so much because i’ve had 2 other babies and i’ve gotten back into my size 6’s both times.  it’s just hard to remember how long it took.  the motto is supposedly “9 months on, 9 months off”, but when i stare longily at the stacks of “skinny” clothes in the top of my closet, it’s hard to keep that in mind.  i started back at the gym this past monday (cue some loud praise music).  feels good to be sweating again, but i feel like i need a sports corset to go with my sports bra.  can’t wait to lose this spare tire.  not only does it feel disgusting when i run (i feel like a laughing santa…you know, “bowl full of jelly”), but i hate how it looks.  i saw a gal in the gym today with a t-shirt on that said “body under construction”.  i was laughing to myself thinking, i need that shirt in every color.  you know how businesses or stores put up signs when things are under construction like “pardon our dust”?  well, that’s what i’d like to wear around my neck.  like “i know i look like i don’t give a crap about my body, but i had my 3rd baby 2 months ago and am in the process of trying to shed the spare tire.  check me out again in 6 months”.
  • my role as a domestic engineer:  i don’t know why it’s so hard for me to accept, but i’ve just been so disheartened lately by the drone of my days as the caretaker of my home.  i love my kids dearly.  i feel so blessed to be able to afford to stay home with them.  however, most of the time i HATE keeping house.  i can’t stand the fact that when i sweep the floor tonight, it will have crumbs on it by breakfast-time tomorrow morning.  i don’t ever see the point of cleaning the bathroom until it gets just gross.  it’s amazing to me that i’ve been a wife for almost 8 years, a mother for 4, and i still struggle with the fact that i should be doing these things on a daily basis.  the only “cleaning” i do habitually is making my bed every day, and that doesn’t really even count.  i only started doing that like a year ago.  guess i just need to keep adding little things as habit every day and eventually the house will be cleaned because i can’t handle it NOT being that way (that’s how i am about the bed now…drives me nuts if it’s not done).  my mom used to have a plaque hanging in the kitchen that said “keeping house is like stringing beads with no knot on the end”.  oh so true.  don’t know why it’s oh so hard for me to accept that it’s just part of life…if we want to live in a clean house, we have to clean it.  duh.  can’t wait until my kids are old enough to clean up more than they mess up.
  • lack of motivation/discipline:  basically this just means that i’m having a hard time with myself in the arena of getting things crossed off my to-do list.  when i planned to take some time off from my business after the baby, i assumed it would free up some of my time.  not sure what’s sucking all that time up (maitland still sleeps ALOT), but there are several things that i need to do that have been on my list literally since the week after maitland was born.  i’m considering not watching tv for a month, to see how much more i can get done without distraction.  i’d like to think i’m not addicted to tv, but i do watch alot.  i need to prove to myself that it is possible to fold laundry without watching HGTV or that just because ryan is watching something it doesn’t mean that i’m chained to the couch next to him.  i’m very distractable, so i feel like i’d be much more focused on the task at hand if the tv wasn’t on.  i’ll let you know how it goes. 
  • guilt vs. grace:  hard to put into words, but i find myself in a constant inner-battle of sorts. guilt vs. grace.  like, do i feel guilty for sleeping in until 7:30 or give myself a break because i was up twice with the baby?  should i feel like a bad mom because the kids were in their p.j.’s until lunchtime or just be happy that i got a few things done because we hung out at home all morning?  this feelings affect my decision-making maybe more than they should.  there are ways i can comprimise, like i can mop the kitchen floor with maitland in the baby bjorn instead of just sitting on the couch holding him, annoyed that nothing is getting done.  i know that the Lord doesn’t want us living with guilt, but i can never decide if something i’ve done was a wrong decision, laziness, selfishness, or just part of life.

let me say this:  i’m sitting at the kitchen table typing while ryan is 10 feet away watching “locked up abroad”.  i’m very distracted, trying to type and listen to this guy tell his story of being in a turkish prison.  if this post doesn’t make sense for some reason, that’s why.  my point exactly.  ugh.

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7 Comments to “pardon our dust”

  1. Girl. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Although, I totally get where you are coming from. I found myself with a ton of the SAME feelings a few months after Kira. And I still have some of the struggles now 9 months later.

    But sit back and learn to take these struggles on with the right perspective. Your emotions are still a little all over the place. You are still trying to figure out how to mommy 3 instead of 2. And you JUST had a baby 2 months ago. That is a lot of change.

    You are a great mommy. God made you the way you are and loves you no matter what. I am sure that Ryan still thinks you are hot and a great wife. So don’t buy into lies from the enemy that you are anything less!

    Love you. Let me know if you want to vent more. I am all-ears.

  2. katie- wow. you have a way of expressing thoughts that i have had/ do have in a much better way than i think i could. a few thoughts: post baby body: ugh. i totally understand the feeling. for some reason i thought i would just bounce back. i have ridden two centuries (100 mile bike rides) since i had joe and still don’t feel like i look the way i did before. cleaning: i let our bathrooms get that way too. you are not alone:) guilt: man this has plagued me my whole life. your kids will probably remember how cool their mom was for letting them stay in their pjs all day:)

    ps: i always have and still do admire you.

  3. -Sports corset- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! If you find one pick up an extra for me and I’ll pay you back. LOL
    -I am the opposite on the house- I rarely make my bed(I aspire to and love when it’s done but well it just doesn’t happen. I am a clean freak in many ways and trust me it’s pretty stressful. Enjoy the fact that you can relax even before the house is spotless- because face it with several kids at home it takes ALOT to get it there. PS- You have 3 cleaner helpers in training- use that. Mia just started putting away the silverware- my goal is to have her programed (uh… I mean trained LOL) to empty the dishwasher by age 4.
    -Maybe one day we can compare uncrossed to do lists- prize undetermined.
    -guilt vs grace- I literally just willed myself out of bed and have been awake since a little before 6- mason went back to sleep and I wanted to but guilted myself up. And now you’ve got me nervous it’s not normal for mom and kids to spend the day in their pj’s most of the day. We’re in trouble.

  4. I feel you on this one Katie! 🙂 Cadence will be 9months old in two days (How did that happen!!!!!) and I’m not even close to get back into my old clothes! Granted I should probably work harder at it but it’s in the plan. I’ve had to give myself a break that I do have two kids now and apparently it’s not as easy as the first time. (After I had Paul, I bounced back pretty quick and was even smaller than before I got pregnant with him…I am doubting that will happen this time. And I wasn’t really trying to diet/exercise then either…looks like I’ll need to put more effort in this time around!)

  5. you just posted my every thought!!!!

  6. Um…did you climb inside my brain? I can’t really give any advice because I am in the same season and predicament as you in ALL of these things. Not that it makes it any easier, but it helps to know that I’m not alone.

  7. You’re a wonderful mother- don’t be so hard on yourself!

    And don’t be discouraged about your body- you look great and it’s just a motter of time before you get back to your pre-pregnancy weight…

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