tough to swallow

i am really terrible at finishing things.  if you know me well, you know that i usually have numerous things “in limbo”.  it is very rare for me to start something and finish it soon after.  i realize part of this has to do with having small children… distractions/minor emergencies are a huge part of daily life.  however i’ve realized lately that this problem is multi-faceted.

it comes from two character flaws: 1) laziness  2) fear of failure

1) laziness: i don’t consider myself a lazy person, but i’m learning that lazy doesn’t necessarily mean sitting around doing nothing.  procrastination is a form of laziness, and boy am i guilty of it.  i haven’t cleaned my bathroom lately.  don’t get me wrong, it’s not unsanitary or anything…i have wiped it down and sprayed the shower with clorox, but i haven’t REALLY cleaned it in something like 2 months.  the sad thing is that i really have no good excuse as to why.  i know that when i do clean it, it’s going to be hard work because i’ll do a good job, so that’s why i haven’t done it.  pure laziness.  another example is my double-stroller.  last year when layne was born, my family bought me a super nice double-stroller.  it served me well until december 22nd, when it all-of-a-sudden wouldn’t fold down anymore.  i was really annoyed, but apparently now annoyed enought to call the company and get a replacement.  that took me until february (or maybe march?).  when i did call, they said we would have to pay for shipping, but that they would either fix or replace the stroller.  i said “great!” and hung up the phone.  once i received the shipping label thing in the mail, i realized just how much shipping a huge non-folded double-stroller would be.  i talked to a friend who has had a similar problem.  she said that i just needed to demand free shipping and it would be given to me no problem.  i was excited at first, but then i realized that the phonecall would involve confrontation.  enter the laziness/procrastination.  it is august and my awesome double-stroller has yet to be shipped or fixed.  i do still use it quite a bit, but only to go to the pool or the gym or the playground.  now there’s the issue of the warranty.  i’m pretty sure that it was up after a year, but what do i know?  have i called to find out?  NO. 

2) fear of failure: right now, on the bottom shelf of my refrigerator, there is a spoiled london broil (if you don’t know, london broil is a cut of meat that you cook by broiling or grilling).  the reason the meat is spoiled is because i LET it spoil.  i still have no idea why i spent $4.67 on something i KNEW i would never cook.  every now and then i get into a domestic funk and tell myself that i’m going to make something for dinner that i’ve never made before.  a few of my friends had talked about making london broil before, it was inexpensive, so i thought, “why not?”.  anyway, every night last week i came up with something else to make for dinner so that i wouldn’t have to take the chance of screwing up the london broil.  last night when i looked in the fridge and saw that the meat had turned dark, i was simultaneously relieved and then disgusted with myself.  i was relieved because i realized that i didn’t have to make something i’d never make before (thus, i wouldn’t have an opportunity to fail).  then, the disgust.  this is just one example of many times i’ve hoped that the “problem” (or opportunity) would go away if i just waited long enough.

it’s so hard to listen to yourself when you realize something like this.  it’s so hard to swallow the fact that i have issues that need dealing with…i think i’ve known about these problems for awhile now, but the rotten meat staring me in the face was the neon sign telling me to figure out how to change my behavior.  i’ll let you know how it goes.  for now, i need to go call the stroller company!


3 Comments to “tough to swallow”

  1. Identify what project you want done, start the project and stay on it until you finish it. Under NO circumstances start something new until the first project is finished. You’ll begin to feel like you are a little OCD, and that’s a good thing.

    Getting tooooo many projects going at once feeds the procastation monster.

    love you Kate … >

  2. Oh, I knew we were related! 🙂 This is the story of my life. My biggest “failure” (or at least what I feel is a failure) is that I have been so behind on organizing pictures. I have pictures all the way back from HS that just sit in a box. I have even bought photo albums, but I never seem to tackle it. At this point, it’s such a huge undertaking that I don’t think I could even make a dent in it. I would love to just make albums for Owen and this new baby, but I haven’t even started his yet. It makes me crazy because I don’t want those memories lost. I really am going to try to do something with Owen’s pictures before this baby comes, even if it’s nothing special.

  3. wow, you described my life. I haven’t cleaned my home for at least 6 months. Before I had an excuse like job and school but now I quit both of them and still don’t do anything. I’m discussed by myself, but thank god I had a wonderful husband.

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