wednesday, 9:34 pm

throughout my life i haven’t been much of a journal-keeper, but sometimes it does me good to get things on paper.  my posts on this blog so far haven’t usually been super personal, just because i don’t feel it’s appropriate to write about certain situations (involving friends or family members) or because it’s not something i would ordinarily share (a fight with my husband or something of that nature).  tonight is an exception.  i was just lying on the couch in the dark, crying and thinking and praying and decided that it would be a good thing for me to get my feelings out on “paper”.  i debated for a minute or two, but actually writing the post won because i’d like to be able to look back on this time later and know exactly what was going on.

in short:  i am SPENT.  i am utterly exhausted in pretty much every area of my life.  if it weren’t for my sweet husband and friends who keep me laughing/grounded, i would be in a really tough spot.

i am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.  i don’t know how much of it is due to lack of sleep, but i do know that being up a few times a night for half an hour or so with a crying baby for SIX MONTHS has seriously taken a toll on what seems to be every area of my life (i really hope it’s lack of sleep).  my house is constantly a mess (to give myself some slack, i do know that it’s much harder to keep a small house tidy than a larger one).  i have the memory of a fish named Dory.  my to-do list has items on it that have been there since before Christmas.  i haven’t had a quiet time yet this month/year.

as i’m sure many full-time caregivers can attest, life with a two-year old is tough.  i have honestly had several instances when i had to walk away because i could feel myself becoming violently angry.  i never knew i had a temper.  i have snapped/yelled at harper more times than i’d like to say and the fact that i can never get those times back is a hard pill to swallow.  it’s like living with someone who is severely bi-polar, or feeling bi-polar yourself.  when i walk away after having an outburst, i feel sick…like it was someone else.  part of this i know is due to the fact that my spirit is depleted.  i’m not spending time with the Lord like i should.  yes, He’s definitely a part of my days and i talk to him throughout, but i haven’t been devoting time alone to spend with Him.

i guess what i’m lacking is discipline.  but, I AM TIRED.  discipline takes energy, and i have none most of the time.  i am embarrassed sitting in my own home right now, knowing my husband is about to walk in the door from soccer practice.  there are groceries on the counters not put away, dirty dishes in the sink, christmas cards spread across the table, laundry piled against the wall, and toys covering the floor.  i had plenty of time to pick up before he got home, but all i could do was sit on the couch and immerse myself in american idol.  harper was a little weasel about going to bed tonight and woke up layne who ended up crying for almost an hour.  it is so hard for me to listen to her cry (especially for NO reason), so all i could do was turn up the volume on the tv.  UGH.

i have great intentions.  i have a schedule in my head of how i’d like each day to go.  i’ve wanted so badly so many morning to go for a run after i feed layne at 5 a.m.  i have projects around the house that i know exactly how i’ll do once i get to them…if i EVER get to them!  i have a few ideas for my photography website and for my blog.  i just can’t figure out how to make everything work.  i told ryan a few weeks ago that i wanted to hire someone to come and follow me around and write down every single thing that i do and when i do it so that i know what i’m doing with my time.  i think part of it is that i get sidetracked SO easily that i go from one task to another without ever remembering and finishing the first task.  like i said before, i don’t know if my mind just isn’t working right because i haven’t slept longer than 4 hours in the past 2 months or if i’m just really flighty anyway…either way, it’s annoying.  i’m sure this post is starting to seem the same way, so i’ll sign off here. 

i am feeling better and a little energized after typing for a little while.  i guess i’ll try to pick up a little before i get some sleep.  sorry if anyone reads this and gets a negative vibe or feels like i hate my life or something…it’s totally not true, i’m just in a rut right now.  also, if layne sleeps for awhile tonight, i may be a completely different girl tomorrow.

please pray that i can make the Lord more of a priority and that when i do He will reward me with sanity.  🙂

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8 Comments to “wednesday, 9:34 pm”

  1. thanks for sharing. i love you. more than you’ll ever know.

  2. Oh katie 😦 You know I am here for you, whatever you need! Seriously I want to help!! I know this is just a season for you and that once you start getting sleep things will get better but in the mean time PLEASE PLEASE let me help. I will come get harper ANYTIME or layne and if I had a suburban I would take them both 🙂 How about friday morning I’ll take harper and jonas to the park??

  3. Also I am really glad you shared this. Your honesty is seriously one of my favorite things about you and I know some else is reading this and feeling relieved that they are not alone.

  4. thanks girls. i love you both and you are two of the reasons i haven’t joined the circus or swam to cuba by now. 🙂

  5. have you thought about putting Harper in a morning preschool program? Spencer has been in one since September and it has made a HUGE difference. He goes from 8:30-11:30 and that gives me 3 hours to do chores, go to the grocery store with only 1 kid, go for a run, or take a nap when Lexi takes hers. I also always schedule mine or Lexi’s doctors appointments while he is in school. Spencer goes 5 days a week but they have options for only Tues/Thurs or Mon/Wed/Fri. His is a church preschool and it is very inexpensive.

  6. Praying for you! Yes, life with a two-year-old is hard. And not sleeping is hard.

    Hang in there. So glad you shared so we can pray.

    Much love,

    Joanne

  7. Ok…so…I’m grateful for your transparency. there is so much more emotionally that I want to express to you, but you’ve helped me tremendously in this post and in the past 🙂 your vulnerability has helped me not feel so alone…and I know I’m getting more sleep than you so I have NO excuses 🙂 PLEASE let me know if there is ANYTHING I or Russell and I can do 🙂 You’re an amazing woman Katie Hobbie.

  8. Oh, KT! I completely can relate to being overwhelmed (and I only have 1 kid!). Believe me you are not alone in this. There have been times when I completely lost it with Owen and ended up spanking him so hard that I easily could have hurt him. There are times when I get so angry with him I know DFS would want to take him from me if they saw how I responded. We are sinful people who DESPERATELY need forgiveness. And we have it, praise God. I think one of the keys is letting go of what our ideal is for our day and for our kids. I know so many of the times I’m angry with Owen it’s because he’s annoying me or embarrassing me or keeping me from doing what I want to do. In other words, my frustration is totally based in pride. There is nothing more sanctifying than parenthood (at least for me). Katie, I’m ashamed to admit it, but there are times when I simply hate being a mom. As much as I love Owen, this is the hardest and most trying experience of my life. And yet I know that this is going to produce good fruit in my life. I am being purged as I endure the everyday trials motherhood brings. I am learning that I simply cannot produce anything righteous on my own. And I’m learning how wonderful that really is. God knows I can’t do it, and he doesn’t expect me to-at least not in my own strength.

    As for advice, the only thing I know to say is try to really take care of yourself. You really do need to get away by yourself–maybe go to Sonic and just sit in your car and read. For me, that is really helpful. As for Layne, from the little I’ve been around her it seems like she’s not getting solid meals, and therefore is not able to sleep well. Maybe talk to her dr. about her sleeping and eating patterns. I know you don’t really like Baby Wise, but I really think there’s some GREAT wisdom in there. You don’t have to follow everything, but it does make sense, There really is no valid reason that a 6 month old is not sleeping all night and taking some solid naps. I know this sounds like I’m being really harsh (and I hope I haven’t stepped over the line!) but I just HATE seeing you struggle with this, especially since I don’t think you have to.

    I’m sorry this is so long! I just felt like I needed to give you an “Amen sister!” and some ideas to get you more sleep and peace. I will be praying for you!

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