little blonde curls and big blue eyes.

ryan and i got home on friday.  my mom (sally) had been here all week taking care of harper and opie (the dog).  i’m shooting a wedding in tallahassee on saturday (9/1), so mom’s original plan was just to ride up with me…we were planning on leaving sunday (today) or monday.  i was excited at the prospect of not having to make the 7 hour drive with harper alone…she’s not a great traveler (see previous post, “the not-so-friendly skies”).  anyway, when we got home, i really didn’t feel like packing and doing laundry and repacking within a matter of two days, so i decided that harper and i would drive up probably tuesday or wednesday.  ryan has monday off, so i thought it’d be good family time.  we rented a car for mom so she could drive home yesterday (saturday).  somehow she convinced me to let her take harper with her.  it was an extremely hard decision, not because i don’t trust her or anything, but because i had just been away from harper for 5 days.  needless to say (i hope), when mom and harper pulled away in that rental car yesterday, i cried.  alot.  i was glad i had big sunglasses on because i didn’t want mom to see me crying…she might have reconsidered and i didn’t want that.  she was SO excited to get to take her home for a few days…i think she was mostly excited to surprise dad…he’s a sucker for harper ann (as most grandpa’s are).  all week on our trip i had been saying to ryan that i wanted to find some kind of thank-you gift for mom…a souvenier or whatever…  i never got her anything, but when she asked about taking harper home, i knew that had to be it.

my heart hurts.  i’m still glad i let her go (we just got back from after-church lunch with friends and it was really nice not to have harper there for once), but i am definitely having a hard time.  when we were in vegas, it was different.  we were on a trip, busy every second, away from home and normalcy.  i wasn’t sad, but i have to admit that i didn’t feel like myself.  it was so strange not to be changing diapers or cutting up food or listening to songs sung by sesame street characters.  i missed looking at her and hearing her little jibber-jabbering voice all over the house.  i think i forgot what she looked like a few times…

i’ve known for the past year and a half that i’m a mother, and i’ve known that i really love the “job”, but i don’t think it hit me until this week that it’s not just what i do.  it’s WHO I AM.  it is such a strange feeling to be so connected to another person…your own blood running through her veins…90% of your waking thoughts devoted to the little one’s needs and giggles.  i also realized that even though being harper’s mother is who i am, it’s only a part of me.  the lord has designed us as people to be able to fill many roles, and to fill them well.  i didn’t do any mom “duties” while we were gone, but i still felt like myself.  i can still be katie the wife and friend…even though i missed harper, it was encouraging to take a step outside that role and realize that i still know exactly who i am (at least for this week…). 

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