“…and when they are old they will not depart from it.”
this is one of my favorite verses from proverbs. i believe it with all my heart. i’ve always had this plan for myself when it was my turn to do some training. however, i’m struggling. i realize my struggle has just begun. my kids are 3 and 1 and un-conceived.
at Bible study tonight, the girls and i were discussing raising children with “wisdom and faithful instruction”. i started to talk about how i’m really struggling with what that means. it is really scary to think that the basis of what my kids’ thoughts about who God is is in my hands. yes, i do believe that the Lord created us with a hole in our hearts. He created us with a curiosity…a longing to seek out our Creator. still, it’s scary because sometimes when i’m explaining things to harper, things that are fundamental parts of my faith, i know that it sounds no different to her than when i’m reading “alice in wonderland”. last week she was singing “this little light of mine” and got to the part about “don’t let satan blow it out”. i was trying to explain to her who satan is. as the words were coming out of my mouth, i was thinking how stupid it sounded and how much it sounded like i was talking about the easter bunny or something. (Satan’s also tricky because you don’t want to make him sound TOO scary because then she’ll have nightmares every night.)
there’ve been several instances like that lately, and it is really causing me to question my faith. not in a “i feel like i’m going to leave the church and realize i never had a relationship with God” kind of way; more like just causing me to think about which aspects of my faith and my relationship with Christ are really important to share with my kids while they’re young. i feel like alot of the Christian relationship (not religion) is understanding the entire picture (sin, Christ’s death, forgiveness, mercy) at once, and i just don’t think kids can grasp that. they’ll believe anything you tell them. they don’t believe it because the Holy Spirit convicts them of it, they believe it because you say it’s true. this makes me feel like i’m brainwashing her or something.
i also feel like kids learn by example. i’m counting on it, actually. i pray that the way that my husband and i live and love each other and our children will make it more than apparent to them that we have a “higher motivation”. i am not very good with words, so i’m banking on the fact that harper overhears a conversation between a friend and i about prayer or she suddenly understands that saying grace before a meal isn’t something that is just tradition, it’s a genuine “THANK YOU” to God that He is allowing us to eat today.
i’m rambling. i don’t know if i’m making any sense at all, but it’s sort-of jumbled in my head too, so…oh well.
i’ve been thinking alot lately about honesty.
i pride myself on being honest…sometimes to a fault. i just feel that if you care about someone, you should respect them enough to tell them the truth even if it might be awkward sometimes. i don’t follow the rule religiously…i’m not a rude person, so if i’ve just met someone, or if it’s someone i know is in a fragile state, i’m careful. i cannot stand it when people are fake or “polite” just for the sake of avoiding tension.
i’ve had two different situations come up recently where i had good reason to lie, but i didn’t. did i hurt feelings? maybe initially, but i’m confident that in each situation my friend was appreciative of my being up front with them. in both situations it was hard to tell them how i was really feeling, and i thought hard about doing it, but i still feel like it’s what i should’ve done.
i’m halfway through “The Year of Biblical Living” by A.J. Jacobs. it’s a GREAT book but i’s taking me forever to read. anyway, in the middle of one of my dilemmas, i read this passage about his wife running into an old friend while they were at a restaurant:
“Julie Schoenberg?” says the ponytailed woman.
It’s an acquaintance Julie hasn’t seen since college. Hugs are exchanged, compliments toward babies are extended, spouses introduced, mutual friends discussed.
At the end of the meal, we get our check, and Julie’s friend says: “We should all get together and have a playdate sometime.”
“Absolutely,” says Julie.
“Uh, I don’t know,” I say.
Julie’s friend laughs nervously, not sure what to make of that.
Julie glares at me.
“You guys seem nice,” I say. “But I don’t really want new friends right now. So I think I’ll take a pass.”
A few weeks ago, I read a book called Radical Honesty, which was about telling the truth in all situations. It talks about the scary thrill of total candor, the Six Flags-worthy adrenaline rush. I felt that. I heard myself saying the words, but they seemed unreal, like I was in an off-Broadway production.
Julie is not glaring at me anymore. She’s too angry to look in my direction.
“It’s just that I don’t have enough time to see our old friends, so I don’t want to overcommit,” I say, shrugging. Hoping to take the edge off, I add: “Just being honest.”
“Well, I’d love to see you,” says Julie. “A.J. can stay home.”
i dont’ know that i can go this far, but it sure makes me think about how life would be if i were totally honest all the time.
so, how about you, kind post reader? how honest are you? also, would you prefer someone be totally honest with you or would you just like them to be “nice”? have you ever been non-appreciative of someone’s honesty?
“In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery.” Proverbs 28:23
as i was rushing through a 5 minute shower yesterday morning, in hopes of barely making it to church on time, i had a thought. it seems to me that church has turned into yet another place to get attention. i’m sure i don’t speak for everyone, but i am always very much concerned about what i look like when i walk through that door on sunday mornings. i was washing my greasy hair, thinking that i would probably be much more humble and sincere during worship if i wasn’t worried about the way i looked, or if i knew i looked terrible. my first thought walking into the sanctuary shouldn’t be, “oh i love her skirt.” all of a sudden, it hit me why nuns all dress the same.
how can we discount appearances at church – both our own and other people’s??? anyone?
Filed under: spiritual stuff
i am very burdened for the unsaved of the world. i know that sounds weird to just say it right out like that, but that’s how i’ve been feeling lately. i am sad for people who don’t know Jesus and sad for people who don’t understand that it is possible to have true JOY. it is possible to have real HOPE. my problem is that i don’t know how to go about telling people about my hope and joy…about my relationship with the One who gives us those things….the One who created those things. i don’t believe that split-second evangelism does the trick. i don’t think it does any harm to hand out tracks or say bold things like, “do you know jesus?”. of course there are people out there who can be reached that way. but, for me, the whole point of the Christian life is to glorify God through the way we live our lives. if we are striving to be holy, we will stand out in the world. even if we’re a tiny candle in a dark room, we’ll be noticed. to me, THAT is what really witnesses to the sad unbelievers of the world. asking someone where they’d go if they died today doesn’t help them in this life and that’s where people’s minds are. my problem is this: how can you show a stranger the differences in your lives if you’re only around them for, say, an hour a week? or less? there are simple things like not using profanity or you could always try to put God into your conversation, using cliche’ Christian phrases like “i’m very blessed”. non-Christians never say things like that. people are constantly saying to me, “wow, you’ve got your hands full.” my sister told me once that a girl she knew would say “thank the Lord for that”. so, that’s what i’ve started saying. i’m very thankful for the blessings the Lord has given me and when i’m trying to get into my building holding a screaming baby and dragging a tantrum-throwing toddler, that’s what i want people to know. i’ve been racking my brain trying to think of small ways i can demonstrate my faith without putting a fish on my car or wearing a steven curtis chapman t-shirt. this thought-process started when my car was towed a few weeks ago (man, those people are heart-breakingly bitter and cold) and then continued during my monday night soccer game this past week. i’ve led a VERY sheltered life (christian school, christian college, christian career, and now most of my friends are from church or the christian college) and i’m thankful for the unmistakeable blessing of community, but when i get out in “the real world” it feels very dark and i feel a weight on my chest for those who don’t know what true Happiness is. this is going nowhere.
Filed under: spiritual stuff
after reading my post from the other day about suzanne and the news she’d received about her baby girl, my friend nancy from church e-mailed me the address for this blog. i’ve been glued to it for about 45 minutes and have tears streaming down my face.
i am humbled because just this morning i was once again with this frustrated with this new two-kid thing. i hate things not being “normal”. i was frustrated because we were on the way out the door to meet a friend for lunch, on time for ONCE, and little layne started screaming in her carseat for what i thought was no reason. harper wanted to pick flowers on the way to the car. the car was in the street, which can be quite a long walk with a two-year old and a stroller. i was annoyed and grumbling in my head about the fact that we still live here (see yesterday’s post) and the fact that even after 3 weeks i still have alot to learn about this new little one in my life.
Lord, thank you for my babies. thank you for harper’s not knowing what it means to hurry and her love for hibiscus. thank you that layne is healthy enough to cry really loud. 
Filed under: spiritual stuff
i have 10,000 things i need to do, but i just needed to post this right now.
my mom just called. one of my sister-in-law’s best friends, suzanne, was due to deliver a baby girl in about 6 weeks. she’s had an awesome pregnancy, had the nursery finished, and was looking forward to her baby shower – TONIGHT. suzanne went to the doctor this morning and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. they did an ultrasound and, again, no heartbeat. they told her that her baby has died. I CANNOT FATHOM THE SADNESS. i cannot imagine the anger, the helplessness, or even the probable guilt.
when Harper was about 5 days old, a friend of a friend lost her 6 week old son, hosea. he died of unknown reasons during an afternoon nap (SIDS, i guess). hosea’s death seriously affected me and the way that i viewed my role as Harper’s mother. i literally saw every day after that as a blessing from the Lord and my viewpoint completely changed. i realized that our children are on loan to us from the Lord. He can do with them as He chooses and His choice is sovreign and always justified, no matter how much our human understandings say otherwise.
this unborn baby’s death has yet again reminded me to count every day as BLESSED and to be grateful for every second that i get to hold my children, whether they be screaming or sleeping. THANK YOU LORD.
if you think about it, say a prayer for suzanne and her husband. they are strong believers and i know that this will certainly challenge their walk with the Lord.
baby hannah was born this morning ( 08.07.08 ) after a scheduled induction. she is in heaven. to read more about this family and what they are going through, visit www.benandsuz.com.
Filed under: spiritual stuff
i just saw this post on the wordpress dashboard thingy and thought it was really good.
Filed under: spiritual stuff
one of the reasons i love our pastor is because he’s so easy to pay attention to. he speaks in plain english, has alot of great illustrations, and basically is hardly ever boring. however, yesterday during an interesting message about the sower and the seed, my mind began to wander. my mind began to wander because there is a very distracting baby in my belly. this baby is SO active and likes to do jazzercise pretty much anytime i’m sitting or lying down. as the baby was moving, i took my husband’s hand and put it on my belly, like i do pretty often. i started thinking about the reason for this (why i always want ryan to feel the baby moving)… i think it must be because i think it is so neat to feel the baby move (she’s obviously getting stronger and bigger everyday) and since it’s his baby too, i just want him to experience it with me. it’s not just ryan, though. pretty much anytime i feel the baby move alot and there are other people around, my first instinct is to want to take the other person’s hand and place it on my belly. simply put: i want them to feel what i’m feeling.
it hit me like a brick in the face yesterday that this is the attitude we should have about having Christ in our lives. when we feel the Holy Spirit move in us or when we know the Lord is doing a certain work in our life, our first instinct should be to want to share it with others. for me, this hardly EVER happens. i hardly ever share about how God is working in my life, much less it be an immediate “instinct” for me to want to tell others. come to think of it, just the joy of our salvation alone should be enough for us to want to scream with a huge grin in the face of all those we come in contact with.
ouch. i hate it when i realize something like that.
Filed under: spiritual stuff
last night i started feeling plagued with guilt. i felt guilty because i gave harper hot dogs twice in one week (even though she’d eat them for every meal if she could), i felt guilty because i turned the tv on so i could get some stuff done, i felt guilty because i looked terribly sloppy when my husband came home from work. as i laid in bed thinking this morning, i realized that i’ve felt guilty alot since becoming a mother. then i remembered a post that my good friend sabrina had posted not long ago. i turned on the computer and read it, first thing, and i’m glad i did. if you struggle with guilt, you should go read it. it’s a great reminder that, yes, the Lord expects our best, but our best will be different every day. He knows what is going on in our homes, He understands how much or how little energy we might have for a certain task, and most of all, He knows our hearts and whether or not we are seeking to please Him. thank goodness we don’t serve a God who judges us based on how many good things we do in a day, or in what direction we’re facing when we pray.
one of my favorite verses is colossians 3:23: ”Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…”. in one respect, this verse encourages us to do a better job at something than we would normally do, since we should be doing it for the almighty, awesome God; but on the other hand, it is only the Lord who knows our hearts and knows what we are capable of. “men” might expect greatness from us every time a task is accomplished, but only the Lord knows if our hearts are capable of acheiving that greatness at the time.
now go read sabrina’s blog.
Filed under: spiritual stuff
i just found a blog called “de-conversion“. it made me really sad. reading it really made me think about the power of hypocrisy and about the state of His Church. it hurt my heart to think about how saddened the Lord must be over these people’s hearts.
