i was just about to log on and post about how my life is boring right now.  my house is a wreck.  last night my kids had a random dinner of buttered noodles (YUM!), peas, yogurt, and black olives.  one of our suitcases from last weekend still has folded clothes in it.  the other is empty and has been sitting in the floor of my closet since tuesday.  layne was really clingy today – er – lately.

i really don’t have anything exciting to blog about so i was just about to do a whiney post about all of the above.  i feel like every time that is the case, i take 5 minutes to read some random blogs i’ve never read before (through links on other strangers’ pages).  i just read 3 blogs that all had something to do with a child or baby dying.

i needed that.

i’m so so so blessed and i need to remember it…even when there are smashed black beans all over my floor or when i realize haven’t shaved my legs in a week.  THE LITTLE THINGS DON’T MATTER.

i am really terrible at finishing things.  if you know me well, you know that i usually have numerous things “in limbo”.  it is very rare for me to start something and finish it soon after.  i realize part of this has to do with having small children… distractions/minor emergencies are a huge part of daily life.  however i’ve realized lately that this problem is multi-faceted.

it comes from two character flaws: 1) laziness  2) fear of failure

1) laziness: i don’t consider myself a lazy person, but i’m learning that lazy doesn’t necessarily mean sitting around doing nothing.  procrastination is a form of laziness, and boy am i guilty of it.  i haven’t cleaned my bathroom lately.  don’t get me wrong, it’s not unsanitary or anything…i have wiped it down and sprayed the shower with clorox, but i haven’t REALLY cleaned it in something like 2 months.  the sad thing is that i really have no good excuse as to why.  i know that when i do clean it, it’s going to be hard work because i’ll do a good job, so that’s why i haven’t done it.  pure laziness.  another example is my double-stroller.  last year when layne was born, my family bought me a super nice double-stroller.  it served me well until december 22nd, when it all-of-a-sudden wouldn’t fold down anymore.  i was really annoyed, but apparently now annoyed enought to call the company and get a replacement.  that took me until february (or maybe march?).  when i did call, they said we would have to pay for shipping, but that they would either fix or replace the stroller.  i said “great!” and hung up the phone.  once i received the shipping label thing in the mail, i realized just how much shipping a huge non-folded double-stroller would be.  i talked to a friend who has had a similar problem.  she said that i just needed to demand free shipping and it would be given to me no problem.  i was excited at first, but then i realized that the phonecall would involve confrontation.  enter the laziness/procrastination.  it is august and my awesome double-stroller has yet to be shipped or fixed.  i do still use it quite a bit, but only to go to the pool or the gym or the playground.  now there’s the issue of the warranty.  i’m pretty sure that it was up after a year, but what do i know?  have i called to find out?  NO. 

2) fear of failure: right now, on the bottom shelf of my refrigerator, there is a spoiled london broil (if you don’t know, london broil is a cut of meat that you cook by broiling or grilling).  the reason the meat is spoiled is because i LET it spoil.  i still have no idea why i spent $4.67 on something i KNEW i would never cook.  every now and then i get into a domestic funk and tell myself that i’m going to make something for dinner that i’ve never made before.  a few of my friends had talked about making london broil before, it was inexpensive, so i thought, “why not?”.  anyway, every night last week i came up with something else to make for dinner so that i wouldn’t have to take the chance of screwing up the london broil.  last night when i looked in the fridge and saw that the meat had turned dark, i was simultaneously relieved and then disgusted with myself.  i was relieved because i realized that i didn’t have to make something i’d never make before (thus, i wouldn’t have an opportunity to fail).  then, the disgust.  this is just one example of many times i’ve hoped that the “problem” (or opportunity) would go away if i just waited long enough.

it’s so hard to listen to yourself when you realize something like this.  it’s so hard to swallow the fact that i have issues that need dealing with…i think i’ve known about these problems for awhile now, but the rotten meat staring me in the face was the neon sign telling me to figure out how to change my behavior.  i’ll let you know how it goes.  for now, i need to go call the stroller company!

I AM…sore and stiff.

I WANT…to go to the beach, but harper has a fever (is it terrible if i take them anyway?).

I HAVE…greasy hair.

I KEEP…forgetting what day it is.

I WISH I COULD…finish my website by snapping my fingers.

I HATE…our nasty cheap carpet

I FEAR…that my teeth-grinding is doing some serious damage.

I HEAR…Mary Poppins.

I DON’T THINK…i’ve shaved my legs in a week.

I REGRET…hardly anything.

I LOVE…Vanilla Coke.

I AM NOT…pregnant. 

I DANCE…sometimes at weddings.

I SING…in the shower, quite loudly.

I NEVER…go to the mall.

I RARELY…carry a real purse.

I CRY WHEN I WATCH…steel magnolias.

I AM NOT ALWAYS…motivated.

I HATE THAT…i never played soccer growing up.

I’M CONFUSED ABOUT…the whole health care thing. 

I NEED…to shave my legs..

I SHOULD…go do dishes!

i tend to give other woman dirty looks.  i don’t think they ever notice, and most of the time it’s not even intentional.  i just cannot handle it when it’s taking me 4 times too long to get through a very short list and one child is screaming at the top of her lungs letting me know that she wants a new toy and the other is insisting that i allowing me to hold her instead of riding in the perfectly good cart.  while this is happening, i walk by some woman in the cards section who obviously has no kids (because even a mom whose kids are older and in school would be at least rushing around looking a tiny bit frazzled) and has obviously been standing in that section reading greeting cards for at least 10 minutes (i know this because, before i had kids, that’s how long i would stand there to pick out a card).  sometimes it also happens while i’m walking past the women’s clothing section, just because i pretty much want to be anyone who is looking around that section by themselves (the look gets even dirtier if they’re with a friend).

like the title of my blog says, i do feel very BLESSED, but sometimes i silently long for the days when i could take my time and look at whatever i wanted or even get through an entire list without giving up and going home without all the things i need.